WEED: I already have extreme paranoia.
COCAINE: I already get nosebleeds.
HALLUCINOGENS: I already mix up dreams and reality.
MDMA: I already stay up all night dancing.
CAFFEINE: ok so I had coffee one time and I cleaned my whole house and had to keep doing aerobics because I thought if I stopped my heart would explode, then I slept for 5 hours so yeah, never again.
CIGARETTES: I don’t have enough hands to eat gummy candy and check twitter AND hold a cigarette.
ALCOHOL: this section intentionally left blank.
1. He shows up to dinner late and disheveled.
2. He disappears at the sound of police sirens.
3. You’re pretty sure his lenses have no prescription.
4. His excuses for missing important life events make literally no sense at all.
5. You’ve narrowly escaped death way more times than any of your friends.
6. He’s a little bit TOO good looking.
7. He never tells you where he’s going but asks that you blindly trust him.
8. His immediate family died in a tragic accident.
9. His last girlfriend died in a tragic accident.
10. He tells you he’s a superhero.
Like freshly cut roses and a cute stuffed bear
You’re prickly, cold and unaware
Blood is red
Dead bodies are blue
You’ll be mine
Until I end you
Yes, Mom, I’m still single, and don’t have a baby yet;
But if I get knocked up I promise you can raise it!
My love for you is truly sublime
Like a zombie mob at feeding time
Let’s reaffirm our vows my love, in fact;
Let’s also add a suicide pact!
You don’t say I love you
But you’ll always be mine
We’re perfect together
You hot pizza pie
BE MINE. like it’s not an option it’s going to happen no matter what you do so how about don’t make this any more difficult than it has to be OK?
I’ll buy some sexy lingerie for sure
To show off to my open fridge door
Will you be my bumblebee valentine?
Sting me, fly away and die?
1. Give $$$ to charity. (but like a real one so not Kony I don’t think?)
2. Try your hand at logging into healthcare.gov without getting an error message. HINT: your hand will be bad.
3. Test out pepper spray on yourself.
4. Successfully explain the benefits of consumerism to a 5 year old.
5. Climb into an air duct at Sears and try to have your very own Neverending Story.
6. Stand in front of TV wall at Best Buy and hold your breath until you pass out.
7. Strip naked and dive into cacti.
8. Maybe today is a good day to begin building up that cyanide tolerance you’ve always talked about?
9. Memorize Pi to 100 digits KIDDING eat a whole pie in one sitting (TIP: it can be pizza if U want)
10. Facebook message every person you’ve ever had a crush on.
1. “It’s a funny story actually, she’s an AMAZING drug smuggler but she had one “off” day so now she’s gaying it up in ladies jail.”
2. “You know Space Bags® right? Yeah he’s in one right now in my freezer! Well he’s in four bags to be exact.”
3. [Fart audibly, stare in silence]
4. “He’s a Swedish model I mail him money every month so he can move to America soon his name is Guy McRealman.”
5. Launch into detailed explanation of Grindr.
6. “She’s being shipped to me from China as we speak! Don’t worry her dad assured me he’d drill air holes.”
7. Ask if they want to see a picture of you and your boyfriend and show a selfie of you eating pizza.
8. Ask if they want to see a picture of you and your boyfriend and show a photo of a dog licking your face.
9. “Oh I’m sorry I zoned out doing Kegels, what did you ask me?” (Repeat as necessary)
10. Say wide-eyed and unblinking, “SHE IS STANDING RIGHT HERE NEXT TO ME.”