August 2011
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MY APARTMENT BUIDLING: A STORY IN 5 SMELLS
I live in a 5th floor walk up. These are the smells I encountered last night while getting there:
1st Floor: fresh dirty diapers
2nd Floor: garbage
3rd Floor: garbage and weed
4th Floor: oh dear god SO MUCH SKUNKY WEED
5th Floor: chicken [enter apartment]
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EXCLUSIVE! LEAKED iPHONE 5 FEATURES!
MAKES PHONE CALL
ALSO! X-RAY VISION CAMERA LENS!
WATER GUN
HI-FI SPEAKERS CANCEL FART FREQUENCIES
DOES TIME TRAVEL
BATTERY LIFE: ELEVENTY
EATS TRASH
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I'M KINDA HUNGRY TODAY.
IT’S 11:00am. SO FAR…
BAGEL W/ CREAM CHEESE
CHEESE DANISH
A HANDFUL OF THOSE STRAWBERRY HARD CANDIES W/ GOO IN THE MIDDLE
A CHICKEN TENDER
SOME PRETZEL STICKS
A HANDFUL OF MINI COKE BOTTLE GUMMIES
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THE QUESTIONS I ASK WHEN MAKING OUTFITS
IF YES, WEAR IT:
Would the 5-year-old Bez approve?
Are there at least two patterns or three colors involved?
Does it resemble a costume?
Will it incite laughter or mild confusion?
Does it look like a child’s birthday party decoration?
Did the carnival come to town?
Do all the colors hurt your eyes a little?
Are you happy?
IF YES, DON’T WEAR IT:
Have you seen an adult lady...
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CONCERT PORT-O-JOHNS, A STORY IN THREE PARTS
SIZING UP THE ENEMY
SURPRISE DANCE MOVE!
HOLDING MY BREATH UPON ENTRY
