1. “It’s a funny story actually, she’s an AMAZING drug smuggler but she had one “off” day so now she’s gaying it up in ladies jail.”
2. “You know Space Bags® right? Yeah he’s in one right now in my freezer! Well he’s in four bags to be exact.”
3. [Fart audibly, stare in silence]
4. “He’s a Swedish model I mail him money every month so he can move to America soon his name is Guy McRealman.”
5. Launch into detailed explanation of Grindr.
6. “She’s being shipped to me from China as we speak! Don’t worry her dad assured me he’d drill air holes.”
7. Ask if they want to see a picture of you and your boyfriend and show a selfie of you eating pizza.
8. Ask if they want to see a picture of you and your boyfriend and show a photo of a dog licking your face.
9. “Oh I’m sorry I zoned out doing Kegels, what did you ask me?” (Repeat as necessary)
10. Say wide-eyed and unblinking, “SHE IS STANDING RIGHT HERE NEXT TO ME.”
ABC: either 50 dancing shows or one dancing show 50 times
CW: 30 year olds play teenagers
WB: 30 year olds play 20 year olds
FOX: cartoons for adults
CARTOON NETWORK: cartoons for high adults
PBS: can we all agree Teletubbies are on acid
MSNBC: concerned faces slowly mummified by scrolling hieroglyphics
CNN: THE WORLD IS ENDING TOMORROW PROBABLY?
FOXNews: white ppl yell “OBAMA SUX” for infinity all time
MTV: everyone is pregnant. some know they’re pregnant. some don’t.
VH1: 24 hour pop-up video pls OK
ComedyCentral: Jon Stewart is president?
HBO: boobs and f word
Bravo: ladies be cray
TLC: here watch this train wreck
Netflix: here binge-watch this quality original programming
Hulu: Netflix w/ commercials
SHOWTIME: wait no this one is boobs and f word
DisneyChannel: adorable robot children
Nickelodeon: slutty Disney Channel
TNT: see “NBC”
ABC Family: see “Disney Channel”
Lifetime: written by Jodi Picoult starring Jennifer Love Hewitt
TBS: Courtney Cox then&now
AMC: Don Draper fights zombies yep pretty sure about this one
SHARK WEEK:this is a channel I think
TCM: Citizen Kane (nailed it!)
NatGeo: the world is so beautiful oh god I’m so alone
Telemundo:strippers host kids shows
HSN/QVC: hoarders paradise
BET: Family Matters marathons? UM YES PLEASE
Cinemax: ok THIS is definitely the boob one I just know it
Rizzoli & Isles: this is also a channel i think