- IF YOU’RE UNEMPLOYED: Swiffer the apartment for your spouse. Take the ball of hair-dust from the Swiffer, tape it to a swatch of corduroy and add googly eyes. Presto! Adorable stuffed animal.
- IF YOU LIVE NEAR CHINATOWN: Buy a knock-off designer handbag. Fill with cell phone cases and incense. Garnish with fake Ray-Ban sunglasses.
- IF YOU’RE DATING AN ACTOR/MODEL: A mirror.
- IF YOU JUST GOT DUMPED. Hand deliver a pile of trash in an old pizza box. Include fish carcass for effect. (Even if you have to buy a fish from Whole Foods on the way over).
